driving in the rain

Fearful for the Future: A List

An incomplete list of things I fear as the mother of a 21-month old boy:

// cancer; drowning; dying in a fire; dying in a Trump-related nuclear conflagration; getting hit by a car;  growing up and going to university and getting hazed to death; choking on food; choking on some small treasure; getting T-boned while I’m learning how to drive; getting T-boned while he’s learning how to drive; brain hemorrhage; being suffocated by a blanket; getting a sudden flu and dying of a fever alone in his bed one night; blood infections from dumb tattoos; cancer again.

// that he’ll be soft and gentle and the bullies at school will latch onto that and make him afraid and lonely; that he’ll be a bully and pick on gentle kids; that he’ll be unable to name his feelings; that someone will scream, “what are you, some kind of PUSSY?!” in his face during a youth sporting event; that his pants will be too short and he’ll be mocked for being poor or a nerd; that he’ll shove away his friends and family in the bowl of puberty and emerge an asshole.

// that one day I’ll look across the table at my daughter-in-law and she’ll be doing silent HELP ME eyes from across the table as he ignores his own family in favour of shoveling food into his mouth; that he’ll be one of those grandiose “look at me” dudes who performs his own importance and feels entitled to every head of every table; that he’ll join a start-up and think that it’s okay to be in rooms with only men; that he’ll make fun of women; that he’ll hurt women.

// mental illness; addictions; sexual promiscuity; over-consumption of violence; loneliness; feelings of low-self-esteem; becoming an MRA; being one of those wolves in sheep’s clothing that everyone loves and who is then revealed to be an absolute horror-show of a human being online/in his basement.

// white-boy dreadlocks

// failures of parenting; failure to protect him from the world; failure to let him go when he needs to; failure to provide for him; failure to notice when things go off the tracks; failure to teach him important lessons; failure to teach him the ways of co-existing with other humans; failure to model the types of relationships he should be seeing and building for himself; failure to advocate sufficiently or in the right channels should he prove to be exceptional; failure to teach him how to advocate for himself.

// that there will come a day where we’ve had our last cuddle, it will be in the past, and I won’t even know it.

// that he’ll feel ashamed of who he is, how he was raised, or some fundamental part of himself, and spend his adult life quietly hiding that shame, that he won’t know that my love is unconditional and forever, and that I’m sorry for all the mistakes I’ve made and will make.

About the Author

Kaitlyn Kochany
Author with 77 posts
More about Kaitlyn Kochany

Kaitlyn Kochany is a Toronto-area freelance writer and editor. She had her son, NS, in January 2016, and has been trying to sleep and write since then.

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